爱在缘份

真实的我！“宝贝天使”真情交友！爱在一瞬间！ 夜晚qq 1198821938  （验证：浪漫天使 )
喜欢个性激情舞蹈加QQ1172821822 速加免费! qq 1210226026 加了看个性说明。
-----------按照VIP流程一起聊天室开心吧！-----------

10种方法减轻绝经期不适症

激素法曾经是调整绝经期的最佳途径，但现在已经不使用这种方法了，那么妇女们应该如何适应绝经期呢？绝经期可能没什么症状，几个月就过去了，也可能半年，有些人甚至可能在几年里都受到绝经期症状的困扰。有些人只要坚持到底就可以了，而另一些人会使用很多方法、很多非医疗方法设法控制那些症状，比如潮热、发冷、阴道干燥、乳房胀痛、睡眠中断、头痛、情绪波动。下面介绍10种方法可以帮助您平稳度过绝经期：

1、多运动。尽管研究人员还未能从理论上证明这种方法的作用机理，但很多妇女发现，每次运动1小时、每周3次以上能够减轻潮热症状。保持经常运动也可以减轻压力、防止忧郁，这两种症状可能是由潮热引起的。更重要的是，它能够增强肌肉和并可减少骨质疏松和骨折的几率，骨质疏松和骨折是雌激素量降低下的普遍现象。

2、记录潮热日记。这可能能帮你找到引发潮热的原因。卧室里太热？晚餐中有辣椒？白天工作比较紧张？知道原因也许可以帮助防止潮热或者至少可以通过一些办法减少潮热出现的频率，比如坚持吃清淡食物、晚上不用空调等。

3、注意食品选择。除了辛辣食物，咖啡因和酒精也会干扰睡眠，引发潮热。正在绝经期的妇女早上要避免喝咖啡，晚上要避免喝酒。专家们指出，多喝水保持身体内的水分也有助于减轻那些症状。有些妇女很信赖膳食补充剂，比如维生素E（每天400IU）、大豆、黑升麻，但这同样没有研究成果支持。

4、坚持作息规律。每天晚上要睡7到8小时，每天尽量坚持同一时间上床，同一时间起床。如果可能的话，尽量把吃主食和中间零食的时间也变得规律起来。这些方法可以帮助身体系统维持平衡，如果更好一点还可以帮助对抗荷尔蒙变化。

5、深呼吸。练习用腹部慢慢的深呼吸，每分钟6-8次。这种方法在热潮来袭是尤其有效。以这样的速度进行深呼吸练习，每天2次，每次15分钟，对减压也有神奇的效果。做瑜伽和冥想也会对减轻绝经期症状有效。“虽然从临床上还没有证明这些做法对治疗更年期症状有效，但很多妇女都受益于这种方法。”美国宾夕法尼亚大学妇产科研究教授埃伦弗里曼说。

6、考虑使用一些非传统的治疗方法。到现在为止，还没有大量研究能够正视针灸可以帮助减轻更年期症状。但对随机抽取的267妇女进行对比表明，坚持在12周内进行了10次针灸治疗的妇女从总体上来说热潮的频率有所下降。这一结果发表在《更年期》杂志2009年5、6月刊上。而按摩可能还对减轻焦虑、失眠、头痛有效。

7、减轻阴道干涩。这是一种由于缺乏雌激素引起的很不舒服，有时很痛苦的情况。如果K-Y啫喱、维生素E、雷波仑等阴道润滑剂都没有达到效果，医生可能会建议采用局部阴道荷尔蒙治疗法，比如用环、吃药或者用乳膏。雌激素不用经过肝脏就能被血液吸收。如果你还有子宫，医生除了让你吃药片或者一些非片剂药物外，可能还会开孕酮给你，以此来防止子宫内膜癌风险的增加。局部使用雌激素通常对恢复阴道润滑和弹性有效。

8、向医生询问激素疗法。如果潮热、情绪不稳或其他症状在你改变了生活方式后还是继续困扰您，让你感到痛苦，可以征询一下医生激素治疗的方法，比如使用孕酮，或者没有子宫的妇女可以只使用雌激素。但是这种方法存在争议，每个决定都是独立的，都需对风险和效果进行仔细衡量。这是有争议的，该决定是一个人一个需要仔细权衡风险和收益。自从2002年妇女健康提倡协会的研究结果表明服用荷尔蒙对提高妇女患乳癌、血凝块、心脏病的风险后，妇女和医生都避免使用这种方法。现在这种情况似乎有所改观。一些专家说那些风险被夸大了，特别是对那些用量较少的年轻妇女。艾萨 克希夫说，妇女健康提倡协会的研究结果是基于由马萨诸塞州总医院妇产科部门进行的一项研究，参加该研究的妇女年龄平均为63岁。他说：“如果你服用这种药物比较早，而且剂量小，可能会对荷尔蒙有些实实在在的好处，它可能会减少那些风险。”有些妇女选择了bioidentical激素，它具有与天然雌激素和孕激素相同的化学结构，相信使用这些产品比使用人工合成激素更安全。但还没有决定性的研究结果证实。

9、正确看待事物。在整个生命过程中，“过渡阶段只是很短的一段时间，”希夫说，“把这个过程看做是一个契机，对你的饮食、营养、运动、总体健康做一次全面清查。更年期并没有那么恐怖。实际上，一些妇女还在期待它，因为以后无需再为怀孕担心了。”

10。防止破坏性的骨质疏松。虽然在学术上这不是更年期症状，但更年期妇女通常都会有明显的骨质流失，为以后的骨质疏松症留下隐患。现在应该开始在日常饮食中额外补充钙质和维生素D了。通常，绝经前每天大约需要1000毫克钙，而更年期后，每天需要1500毫克。果汁、绿叶蔬菜如花椰菜和菠菜等蔬菜、杏仁、豆奶都是钙质的良好来源。

维生素D能帮助人体吸收钙，刺激骨骼形成。政府的建议用量为每日400国际单位，而国家骨质疏松症基金会（NOF）的建议用量为50岁以下的成年人每天400至800国际单位（IU）、50岁以上每天800至1000国际单位。每天晒15分钟太阳维生素D应该就可以吸收够了，至少在夏季是够了。

In the years since hormone therapy was dethroned as the best way to adjust to menopause—the transition ranges from a few symptom-free months to six or more life-disrupting years—how have women adapted? While some are simply toughing it out, others are trying numerous approaches, many nonmedical, to manage their hot flashes, chills, vaginal dryness, breast tenderness, sleep disruptions, headaches, and mood swings. Here are 10 strategies that can help you make the transition smoothly:

1. Get moving.Many women find that working out for an hour three or more times a week provides relief from hot flashes, though researchers haven't been able to document this in studies. Aerobic exercises such as walking, swimming, dancing, and bicycling are good options. Staying active also reduces stress and staves off the blues, which can both result from hot flashes. What's more, it builds muscle and may reduce bone loss and fractures, which become more common as estrogen production falls.

2 . Keep a hot flash journal.This may help you pinpoint what's triggering those hot flashes. Is it an overheated bedroom? Spicy supper? Stressful day? Knowing the cause may help you ward off hot flashes or at least reduce their frequency by, say, sticking with blander foods or turning down the thermostat at night.

3. Watch what you eat.In addition to spicy foods, caffeine and alcohol can disrupt sleep and trigger a hot flash. Women who are affected can limit caffeine to mornings and avoid alcohol in the evening. Experts note that it also helps to stay hydrated by drinking plenty of water. Some women swear by certain dietary supplements: vitamin E (400 IU a day), soy, and black cohosh, but, again, research is lacking on these.

4. Stick to a regular schedule.Make it a priority to get seven to eight hours of shut-eye a night, and try to go to bed and wake up at roughly the same time each day. If possible, eat your meals and snacks on a regular schedule. All of these help keep your body's systems on an even keel, better able to withstand hormonal changes.

5. Breathe deeply.Practice slow breathing from the abdomen-taking six to eight deep breaths a minute. This technique can be particularly helpful at the onset of a flash. Carving out 15 minutes twice a day for this type of slowdown can work magic in busting stress, too. You may also benefit from adding yoga or meditation to your regimen. "While these practices have not been proven to be effective for treating menopausal symptoms in clinical trials, many women do find relief," says Ellen Freeman, a research professor in the department of obstetrics and gynecology at the University of Pennsylvania.

6. Consider unconventional treatments.Until now, no large study has shown that acupuncture helps relieve menopause symptoms. But a randomized controlled trial of 267 women, published in the May/June 2009 issue of the journal Menopause, shows an overall reduction in hot flash frequency in women who received 10 treatments over 12 weeks. Massage may also help in relieving anxiety, insomnia, and headaches.

7. Alleviate vaginal dryness.This is an uncomfortable, and sometimes painful, condition frequently due to a lack of estrogen. If estrogen-free vaginal lubricants such as K-Y Jelly, vitamin E, or Replens don't provide relief, your doctor might recommend a local vaginal hormone treatment via a ring, tablet, or cream. The estrogen is absorbed into your bloodstream without passing through your liver. (If you still have a uterus, your doctor may prescribe progesterone tablets to counteract an increased risk of endometrial cancer associated with taking estrogen pills alone and possibly with nonpill forms of estrogen.) Topical estrogen is usually effective at restoring vaginal lubrication and elasticity.

8. Ask your doctor about hormone therapy.If hot flashes, mood swings, and other symptoms continue to make your life miserable after you make lifestyle changes, consult your doctor about hormone treatment-estrogen with progesterone, or estrogen alone for women who no longer have a uterus. This is controversial, and the decision is an individual one that requires carefully weighing the risks and benefits. After the 2002 Women's Health Initiative findings suggested that women taking hormones were at a higher risk for breast cancer, blood clots, and heart disease, women and doctors turned away from the treatment. Today, the pendulum seems to be swinging back. Some experts now say the risks have been overblown, especially for younger women on low doses. The WHI findings were based on a study of women with an average age of 63, says Isaac Schiff, head of the obstetrics and gynecology service at Massachusetts General Hospital. "If you start relatively early with small doses, there are some real benefits to hormones, which can bring relief with diminished risks," Schiff says. Some women are opting for bioidentical hormones, which have the same chemical structure as natural estrogen and progesterone, in the belief that these products provide safer relief of menopausal symptoms than do synthetic hormones. But the jury is still out on that.

9. Put things in perspective.In the overall scheme of things, "the transition is a very short time in your life," Schiff says. "Look at this as an opportunity to do an inventory of your diet, nutrition, exercise, and overall health. There's no terrible danger about menopause. In fact, some women actually look forward to it—happy not to have a period or worry about pregnancy."

10. Prevent crippling bone loss.While technically this isn't a menopause symptom, menopausal women typically lose a significant amount of bone mass, setting the stage for osteoporosis later in life. Now is the time to start adding extra dollops of calcium and vitamin D to your daily diet. In general, before menopause, you need about 1,000 mg of calcium per day. After menopause, you need 1,500 mg per day. Good sources are fruit juices, green leafy vegetables—such as broccoli and spinach greens—almonds, and soy milk.

Vitamin D helps the body absorb calcium and stimulates bone formation. The government's recommended daily amount is 400 international units, though the National Osteoporosis Foundation (NOF) recommends 400 to 800 international units (IU) of vitamin D daily for adults under 50 and 800 to 1,000 IU of vitamin D daily for adults 50 and over. If you get 15 minutes of sunlight a day, that might be enough, at least in the summer months.

2003年一月初一个严寒的下午，我发现丈夫亨利躺在厨房地上。

在等救护车来的路上，我试着去救他。但是那个深爱着我、让我疯狂、跟我争吵、与我朝夕相处，给我满足，和我一起养育孩子16年的男人呼出了最后一口气--我吹进他肺里的那口气。

之后在医院，医生告诉我是肺梗塞。有一个血块，可能在腿部形成，顺血管向上流动，最后停留在肺部，造成了心脏停跳。他只有44岁。我从凳子上滑倒，忍不住大哭起来。

我在27岁时认识了亨利。他长相帅气，可爱而充满魅力，当他在聚会上走向我时，我感觉自己是世界上最幸运的女孩。

我对身边的男人通常很害羞，也缺乏安全感，但却被他的热情和炙热所吸引。当我们决定结婚时，我的朋友都对我说我有多幸运。

“我最爱的爱人，我爱你，就像爱我的生命，”他在1988年12月郑重地宣誓说。

这就是他的结婚誓言，就像那个隆重的婚礼，和他所作的别的事情一样—一切都那么美好。

几年之后，在外人眼里我们看起来还像是新婚的小夫妻。1998年我们的女儿丽莎出生后，我们决定搬出城，在一个小镇定居下来。

我是个自由美术设计员，专门为图书出版社设计封面，亨利是个作家，写书，烹饪，和朋友一起，他都充满激情。

但是我很快发现，我的婚姻只是个假象。在遗体告别的那天，我透过棺木看到了凯西，我们的一个邻居。

她歇斯底里地哭着，脸和胳膊紧紧地贴着亨利那已经没有生命的身体。凯西的女儿，艾米是我女儿最好的朋友，也因为这个，凯西和我也早已成为朋友。

当她抬起头，她满脸通红，挂满泪水。那时，我沉浸在自己的伤痛中，没有注意到除了我，亨利的遗孀，还有谁在众人面前如此表露自己的情绪。

接下来的几个月混混沌沌地过去。一些好友和家人一直在丽莎和我身边。当我不在时他们照顾我的女儿，给我带点吃的，让我哭出来好受些。

凯西让她的牧师来看我，让我平静一些，告诉我不要太伤心，对我说我是个坚强的人，能找回自己的生活。逐渐地，我恢复了过来。我又能送丽莎去学校，也能开始工作了。

我以为生活又归于平静，直到在亨利去世的七个月之后，七月中的一个晚上，一切都变了。

有个朋友叫托马斯，在他翻新房子时暂时住在我们这。那天我和他在一起，当我告诉他我很想念亨利时，他问我是不是包括亨利的一切。

我默然。这问题很直接。我想应该很坦诚地回答，就告诉他并不是所有的一切，这样的想法让我有种负罪感。

托马斯告诉我不必这样。当我追问他时，他告诉我亨利与一个加州的女人有外遇—过去几年为新书做调查旅行时他去过几次加州。

然后他说还有一个，并让我问问帮着一起操办亨利葬礼的朋友。他们在电脑里发现了亨利的秘密。

很奇怪，听到还有“别的女人”，我并没有变得像想象中那么震惊。亨利去世前的一些举动已经有了这样的迹象：总是躲着不见我，更多时候是把自己所在办公室里，我们也经常吵架。

第二天早餐，我打电话给艾米丽，一个朋友。她听到我的问题就哭了，“是凯西，”她说。

“凯西和亨利有外遇，至少2年了。亨利去世后第二天早上我们在她的电脑里发现了他们的邮件。”

我的脑子里一片空白。我以为凯西是我最好的朋友。我们几乎每天都串门。

我们每天一起接孩子放学。遇到急事时照看对方的孩子。让对方的孩子到自己家过夜。她和她的丈夫，史蒂夫和我们一起吃饭。我们几乎好到能换房子住。

想到这些就发生在我眼皮底下，我崩溃了。这让我愤怒，让我沮丧，挫败；感到羞愧，耻辱。我把丽莎带回了家，她本来应该睡在凯西家。

我坐上车直接开到她家，我看到他正舒服地躺在吊床里看书。

在那一刻，一阵恶心涌上心头，我发现，以前就在我照看艾米，史蒂夫还在上班的时候，凯西和亨利可能就在她的沙发上，或者卧室或别的什么地方做着让我发疯的事情。

我告诉她已经知道她和亨利的事了。我的手颤抖着，真想给她一巴掌。“你”对这个事情的不解让我愤怒，我浑身颤抖着，问她“知道你做了什么吗？”

她嘟囔着回应我。她已经无法辩驳，亨利的事情已经明摆着了。她非常非常抱歉。我告诉她如果一个星期之内她不把这个事情告诉史蒂夫，我就自己说。

我失落地带丽莎回家。直奔上楼，我取下戒指扔在我的珠宝盒。我的婚姻结束了。感觉就像离婚。

和艾米丽一样，亨利最好的朋友马修也看到了亨利不忠的证据。

我打电话给他，想知道亨利电脑硬盘里还剩下点什么没有。马修给了我亨利的日记，笔记和信件。

第一篇日记记于1999年8月。我看到里面清清楚楚地写了和凯西出轨的经过。

我合上日记。我张开嘴大口地吸气。我感到吸了一大口气，痛哭起来，直到头疼得难受。我的心就像被撕裂了，疼得受不了。

我打开他的邮件。通过邮件，亨利和凯西滔滔不绝地说他们是多么地享受彼此，相反的，各自的婚姻又是多么平淡。

每看一个字，我就受到一次难以想象的打击，每一个字都扎进了我的心里。但我还是一直看，我停不下来。我感到极度反感，出离了愤怒，但我还是疯狂地想知道更多。

我不得不去理解，去想象这几年他的生活。我想知道，对于这个伤害我如此深的男人，我的魅力哪去了。

我想到，如果他没有死，也许我永远都不会知道。尽管想得越多，我越能想起很所明显的迹象，而我却选择忽视他们。

尽管听起来很疯狂，我觉得这些其实在婚姻中非常普遍。对于我们不想看到的一些事情，我们不自觉地就忽视了。

看了亨利和凯西之间的邮件，我又看了一些亨利死前几个月的信件。

在一封长信中，亨利和一个叫克莉丝汀的女人大倒苦水，就是那个加州的女人。

他告诉她他在过去3年中有过5次艳遇，还和另外一些女人的调情经历。

关于凯西，他写道：“我们认识快3年了。感觉就像是第二次婚姻。我们的孩子是最好的朋友。我能这么说，在某些方面，我们看对方胜过自己的另一半。”

盛怒之下，我把信搧到地上，痛哭不止，因为自己的疏忽又羞又恨。

我拼命地想要找到答案，但是能回答我的人已经不在人世。

“你认为自己都做了什么？搅入一个男人的婚姻，他甚至已经有了一个孩子？”我问克莉丝汀。

他告诉我最初亨利说他没有结婚。最终，他才说自己结过婚，但是已经离婚。

我又打给艾伦。“我是朱丽叶，亨利的妻子。”她哭了起来。

一边哭，艾伦一边告诉我，在健身房认识之后，亨利就和她调情，开始追求她。

名单上最后一个女人叫艾丽亚娜。和克莉丝汀一样，她也悄声地向我道歉。然后告诉我他们在镇上的聚会上认识，接着开始幽会。

也许有点让人惊讶，我发现在和她们交谈过之后，我先前强烈的反感减弱了。他们认识亨利的时间都很短。他们没有伪装成我的朋友。

之后的几个月，我和艾丽亚娜一直通信，我们的友谊也保持到现在。

我意识到，尽管我一直以为我了解我的丈夫，其实一点也不了解。我开始去更多地理解他，和我自己。

我和一个表面上看起来自信，充满魅力的男人相爱，但实际上，他孤独，缺乏安全感，最终在自己的家庭中没有找到这些。

他想要冒险，一直都想要。就像他需要觉得自己是个英雄。我想知道这是否只属于男性—明显讽刺了中年危机。

现在，快7年了，我还在努力原谅他。这个过程很漫长，但是我不再一觉醒来心中满是愤怒和苦涩。

我希望我的经历能帮助我做出更好的选择，对以后的事情看得更清楚更透彻，无论是对于我自己，还是我认识的人。

在我们的文化中，总是对类似亨利这样的行为给予奖赏，这让我很不解，--电影明星式的的魔力，有能力去吸引，还能“掌管全局。”但实际上呢，有很多麻烦，毁了别人，也毁了自己。

有一天，天气很好，我告诉自己，凯西只是另一个不完美的人，我也很同情她。就像亨利，她也有难处。

尽管有人很难相信，但是我不恨亨利。他做了一些很糟糕的选择。但是他去世的太早，还没来得及补救，重新开始。

生活地太自我，亨利忘记了生活中还有别人。除了难过，你还能说什么呢？

On a bitterly cold afternoon in early January 2003, I found my husband Henry on his back, spreadeagled on the kitchen floor.

I tried to revive him while waiting for the ambulance to arrive. But the man who for 16 years had loved me, driven me crazy, fought with me, fed me, made love with me, made a baby with me, exhaled one last breath - the air I had blown into his lungs.

Later, at the hospital, the doctor told us it was a pulmonary embolism. A blood clot, possibly formed in the leg, had moved upward and lodged in the lung, causing cardiac arrest. He was only 44. I slid off my chair to the floor and screamed.
Julie Metz

Home sweet home: Julie Metz (pictured relaxing at home) says she does not hate her husband Henry for having an affair and has slowly learned to forgive him

I was 27 years old when I met Henry. He was good-looking, charming and charismatic, and when he strolled towards me at a party, I felt like the luckiest girl in the world.

Often shy and insecure around men, I was drawn to his exuberance and his forceful love. As our relationship progressed, my friends repeatedly told me how lucky I was.

'My supreme loveliness, I love you as I love life,' he pronounced dramatically in December 1988.

This was his marriage proposal, and - like his elaborate dinner parties and everything else he did - it was a grand gesture.

Over the next few years, from the outside, we'd have looked like any other young married couple. After the birth of our daughter Liza in 1998, we decided to leave the city and we bought a nice house in a small town.

I was working as a freelance graphic designer, specialising in cover designs for book publishers, and Henry, a writer, was either working on his book or cooking and entertaining friends - his great passions.

But as I was soon to discover, my marriage had been an illusion. On the day of the viewing of Henry's body, I glanced over to the coffin and saw Cathy, one of our neighbours.

Double life: Julie Metz with her late husband Henry whom she discovered had been having an affair with a neighbour

She was weeping hysterically, her head and arms draped over Henry's lifeless torso. Cathy's daughter, Amy, was my daughter Liza's best friend and because of our daughters' friendship, Cathy and I had also become friends.

When she lifted her head from Henry's coffin, her face was red and wet with tears. At the time, I was too deep in my own grief to think much about this other than that I, his widow, hadn't allowed myself such a public display of emotion.

The next few months passed in a blur. A small group of friends and family surrounded Liza and me. They tended to Liza when I could not. They brought food into my house. They let me cry.

Cathy arranged for her minister to visit and offered her own comfort, telling me not to despair, that I was a strong person capable of remaking my life. And gradually, things did get easier. I felt able to take Liza to school again and to return to work.

I thought I was coping quite well until one evening in mid-July, seven months after Henry's death.

I was with Tomas, a friend who'd lived with us for a while when he had been renovating his own house. When I told Tomas how much I still missed Henry, he asked whether I missed everything about him.

I paused. It was an honest question. I decided it deserved an honest answer and told him I didn't miss everything, but that I felt very guilty for having such thoughts.

Tomas said I shouldn't feel guilty. When I pressed him further, he told me Henry had been involved with a woman in California - where he'd travelled several times in the past year on research trips for his latest book.

Then he said there was more, and advised me to speak to the other friends who had helped arrange the memorial service for Henry. They had found evidence of Henry's infidelity on his computer

Bizarrely, I didn't feel as shocked as I thought I would upon hearing about this 'other woman'. Some things about Henry's behaviour shortly before he died began to make sense: long absences, more time in his office with the door closed, lots of fighting between us.

The next morning I called my friend Emily. She started crying. 'It's Cathy,' she said.

'Cathy and Henry were having an affair, for two years at least. We found all their emails on his computer the morning after he died.'

'Til Death us do part: Julie Metz pictured on her wedding day with husband Henry

I flew into a blind rage. I thought Cathy was my friend. We'd been inside each other's houses almost every day.

We'd picked up each other's children from school. We provided each other with emergency childcare. We took each other's children for sleepovers. She and her husband, Steve, ate meals with us. Our houses were almost interchangeable.

The thought of this happening right under my nose was too devastating. I felt fury, anger, frustration. I was ashamed and humiliated. Then it dawned on me that I had to collect Liza, who'd been at a sleepover - at Cathy's.

I got into the car and drove over to her house where I saw her, relaxed, reading in a hammock.

In that instant, with dumbfounded disgust, I realised I must have provided childcare for Amy after school while Steve was at work and Cathy and Henry would have been at it on her sofa, or in her spare bedroom, or wherever else they did it.

I told her that I knew about her affair with Henry. My hand twitched, it wanted to smack her face. 'What,' I asked, tensed with bewildered anger, 'did you think you were doing?'

She murmured her response. She had been weak, Henry had been so persuasive, she was so sorry, so sorry. I told her she had a week to tell her husband, or I'd do it.

I drove home with Liza in a state of shock. I ran upstairs, took off my wedding ring and dropped it into my jewellery box. My marriage was over. It felt like a divorce.

Like Emily, Henry's best friend Matthew had seen evidence of Henry's infidelities.

I called him to see what had survived from Henry's computer hard drive. Matthew gave me Henry's personal journal, book notes, and correspondence.

The first journal entry I read was from early August 1999. It went into explicit detail about having sex with Cathy.

I closed the book. My mouth was open, sucking in air. Once I had some oxygen inside me, I cried till my head ached. My chest hurt like it had been cleaved in two.

I moved on to his emails. In messages, Henry and Cathy gushed about how great sex had been the day before. And how mediocre married sex was by comparison.

Reading that hurt me in ways I could never have imagined, every word a spike in my chest. But I kept reading. I couldn't stop. I was disgusted, outraged, but also ravenous for more information.

I had to understand, to have some idea of what his life had been like during those last years. I wanted to understand my own attraction to a man who had done such great damage.

It crossed my mind that if he hadn't died, I might never have known. Though the more I thought about it, the more I saw that the clues had been everywhere and I had chosen to ignore them.

Although this may sound crazy, I think it is actually surprisingly common in a marriage. We seem to have automatic blind-spots to what we do not want to see.

After reading Cathy and Henry's emails, I turned to other correspondence written during the months before his death.

In one long letter, Henry unburdened himself to Christine, the woman in California.

He told her he'd had five sexual affairs in the past three years as well as a few romantic dalliances.

Of Cathy, he wrote: 'We saw each other for nearly three years. It was like a second marriage. Our kids were best friends. I would say that in some ways we saw more of each other than our own spouses.'

In a fury, I slammed the letter down on my desk, crying as much in rage as from my own shame that I had been so blind.

I desperately needed some answers, but the man who could answer my questions wasn't here any more.

So on the spur of the moment and in a fit of rage, I went through Henry's address book and started calling the women.

'What did you think you were doing, getting involved with a married man with a kid?' I asked Christine.

She told me that at first, Henry didn't tell her he was married. Eventually, he said he was married but had 'an arrangement'.

Next I called Ellen. 'This is Julie. Henry's wife.' She started crying.

Weeping continuously, Ellen told me that after they met at the gym, Henry had flirted with and pursued her.

The last woman on the list was Eliana. Like Christine, she apologised quietly. She described meeting Henry at a party in our town and how their sexual relationship began.

Perhaps surprisingly, I found that after speaking to these women, my initial revulsion towards them softened. They hadn't known Henry long. They hadn't pretended to be my friend.

Over the next few months, Eliana and I corresponded at length and a friendship began that continues to this day.

I realised that though I thought I knew my husband, I didn't. I began to understand a lot more about him and about myself.

I had fallen in love with a man who had appeared to be confident and charming, but who was - underneath - lonely, insecure, and ultimately incapable of putting the needs of his family ahead of his own.

He had wanted adventure, all the time. It was as if he needed to feel like a hero. I wondered if this was a guy thing - the famously satirised midlife crisis.

Now, nearly seven years later, I continue to work on forgiveness. It was a long journey but I no longer wake up every morning feeling angry and bitter.

I hope my experiences have helped me to make better choices and to look more closely, beneath the surface, at myself and the people I meet.

It does bother me that our culture frequently rewards the kind of behaviour Henry exhibited - the movie-star charisma, the ability to charm and 'work a room'. Yet underneath, he was so troubled, so destructive and selfdestructive.

On a good day, I tell myself that Cathy is another imperfect human and feel compassion for her. Like Henry, she was very troubled.

Although some people find this difficult to believe, I don't hate Henry. He made some truly terrible choices. But he died so young, before he had the chance to make amends and start over.

In living too much for himself, Henry missed the point of living for others. How can you feel anything other than sorrow for that?

Q. The majority of my ex-girlfriends have had “fallback men” lined up in the latter stages of our failed relationships. I have never had a fallback woman lined up. I am currently in a timeout phase with my girlfriend. Should I start lining up women up now, because I am sure my current girlfriend has men lined up behind me?

A. No, I don’t suggest you keep fallback women lined up. Instead, you should resolve the situation with your girlfriend.

There are many reasons why people line up others as fallback partners. Often they fear being alone or fear what it means to be alone, especially if they derive their personal worth from being partnered up or buy into the erroneous view that couplehood enhances their value.

Sometimes, people hate not having someone to care for or to take care of them. If such people see singlehood on the horizon, they make doubly sure there is somebody else on deck.

Breakups are difficult even if you are the one initiating the split. In many ways, a breakup is a loss or a failure. You might feel guilty. Sometimes you like the person even if you don’t wish to remain romantically together permanently.

So, when suspecting there might be a breakup soon, it feels much better to be swept up in the excitement of a new person rather than tolerating feelings of sadness, loneliness or guilt.

But it is healthier to spend time figuring out why the relationship didn’t work, what you might do differently next time, whether the relationship was worth saving or how you might choose a more suitable partner.

The key is the quality of the relationship. Maybe it is worth saving and maybe it isn’t.

All relationships go through bleak periods and rough patches. That doesn’t mean it is a bad relationship. But it’s hard to evaluate that if there is always a fallback person who, by definition, presents a rosier picture. With a new person, the negatives have not yet presented themselves.

It’s a shame you have encountered so many past girlfriends who had fallback guys. If someone has a constant rotation of brief, unsatisfactory relationships, they might unknowingly be the problem.

Your perception that all women have fallback guys isn’t true. But it seems to have been your experience, which understandably makes you feel lousy. If you know your partner has someone waiting in the wings, it’s hard to be motivated to work on your relationship, or to be enthusiastic about it.

Basically, two wrongs don’t make a right. If both of you want the relationship to continue, then neither of you should have a fallback. If one of you doesn’t care whether the relationship works, then get out now, so both of you can find somebody more suitable.

In general, having a fallback person does not portend good things for the current relationship.

Dr. Gail’s Bottom Line: It is better to resolve a relationship than to have someone lined up waiting in the wings in case the relationship doesn’t work out.

Women do a lot of silly things to try to impress men; I know this, because men do a lot of ridiculous things to impress women, too. It’s like the circle of life, only it ends with quiet sobbing into a pillow.

The elements of sexual attraction aren’t too complex. Though, even accepted societal norms for picking up a guy often miss the mark because women overthink things. Here’s a look at some of the most surefire ways that women think that they can impress a guy—and why they’ll fail miserably every time.

1. Perfume.

No man I know minds when a woman smells like nothing—a simple stick of deodorant accomplishes this. Women who slather on the perfume end up smelling like the front counter of Macy’s, and it’s a bit of a turn-off. A spray or two there might be nice for a special occasion, but I can’t think of a situation where I’d ever think, Man, she’s nice, but I’d like her better if she smelled like someone was pouring a stream of animal urine that vaguely smelled like flowers onto her head.

2. Tanning.

Tanned skin wasn’t seen as a necessary beauty treatment in American society until the last 20 years or so, with the exception of the taxidermy community. Now, it’s reached a fairly feverish pitch. Tanning salons are all over the place, waiting to help you turn your skin into a sort of orange, glowing monstrosity that looks like it was sprayed out of a can (and in some cases, it actually is). There are men out there who are impressed by a good tan, but they’re what the scientific community calls “pig-ignorant slimeballs.”

3. Name Brands.

You shouldn’t wear name brand clothes that cost more than they need to just because you want to impress men. If you’re trying to impress women, this sometimes works, but name brand items don’t do much for any man other than Ralph Lauren. And just to prove that men don’t know anything about brands, I just referenced Ralph Lauren. I have no idea if he makes good clothes. Probably not. But he’s the only designer I could name.

4. Makeup.

Makeup doesn’t do a lot for guys. In small doses it’s alright, but if I want to get eyeshadow all over my clothes, I’ll go see the Cure in concert.

5. Cosmetic Surgery.

It almost sounds trite to say that cosmetic surgery is ugly and disgusting. Everyone claims to hate it; yet, it’s still a thriving industry. The thing is, though, the cosmetic surgery industry caters to a specific kind of person—the type of person who wants to look fantastic at all costs. The industry isn’t set up for making people beautiful. It’s set up to make people think they look beautiful. And if the results were fantastic, well, then all’s fair in love and war. Ultimately, breast augmentation, fat reduction, Botox treatments ... all of this looks terrible to men, women, small children and animals. Plastic surgery may eventually provide a way for people to cheat themselves into looking younger, but right now it’s more lip service than anything else, pardon the pun.

What futile attempts to impress men do women make? Post in the comments section below.

网络交友　　网络交友是互联网应用初期就已经被广泛提出来的互联网基础应用之一，如“情缘天下”这样的高端婚恋机构，也被称为交友。多数网站依靠网络交友功能来获得流量，提高用户的黏着度。随着更多应用功能的开发，网络交友的服务形式也越来越丰富，网络交友的方式变的更加具体，更具有针对性。计世资讯(CCW Research)认为，网络交友服务在过去的发展中经历了三个阶段:第一阶段，互联网应用初期即时通讯、门户网站、论坛与社区类网站提供的有实际网络交友功能的服务，这个时期，网络交友没有被明确提出，通过网络认识朋友也没有大行其道，网络交友只是网民在使用互联网服务的时候一种附加功能;第二阶段，专业的网络交友网站走进了网民的生活，网民访问这类网站就带有比较明确的交友目的。但是，这个时期的网络交友网站可以提供的交友功能还不多，只是在基本的会员库中提供对陌生网友的查询，这个时期的网络交友也因为一些不健康的因素，而在社会上受到很多非议;第三阶段，随着网络应用技术的完善，网络交友的应用功能也越来越丰富，即时通讯、门户网站、专业交友等网站适时提出了定向交友的服务模式，例如网络婚恋交友、商务圈交友、爱好交友等等。

　　中国的网络交友规模将超过一亿人随着互联网用户的迅速发展，中国网络交友用户也得到了迅速的壮大。网络交友已经成为中国网民互联网生活的重要组成部分。2005年中国网络交友的人群规模达到4630万人，实现了41.2%的增长，预计2006年规模将继续保持超过40%的增长速度，规模达到6520万人。而到2008年，中国的网络交友规模将超过一亿人。现在网络上比较流行的有QQ聊天交友，博客交友，论坛交友，聊天室交友，还有专业的交友网站等。

交友七法则　　朋友相交，贵在知心。真正的好朋友应该是患难与共，也就是当你需要的时候，他随时都会伸出友谊的手。所以朋友的定义应该是：

　　第一，难予能予——朋友有了困难，需要你的帮助时，即使自己有困难，也应该勉力而为。

　　第二，难作能作——帮朋友做事，只要是好事，纵使做起来不容易也要去做。因为朋友本来就应该互相帮助，能“难作能作”，足证友谊之坚。

　　第三，难忍能忍——朋友相处，有时难免会有一些误会，有一些看法上的不同，乃至在语言上发生口角，此时必须互相包容、容忍，尤其要难忍能忍。如果一点包容忍耐的胸襟都没有，再好的朋友也不能长久相交。

　　第四，密事相语——好朋友除了能在工作上互相帮忙、协助之外，尤其要能分享自己心里的一些秘密，譬如在做人处世方面。或者财务上、感情上、事业上的秘密，都能和朋友互相协商，一起分享。

　　第五，不揭彼过——好朋友可以规劝，可以勉励，但是不能张扬他的过失。你张扬他的过错，让他很难堪，就不是好朋友了。

　　第六，遭苦不舍——当朋友遭遇困难、痛苦、受灾受难的时候，你不可以舍弃他；不能因为朋友一时潦倒，就弃之不顾，这种势利眼的人日后也会遭到朋友唾弃的。

　　第七，贫贱不轻——和朋友相交，在他荣华富贵的时候固然很欢喜，万一贫穷、失意、受苦受难的时候，你也不能轻视他，能够贫贱不轻，才是真正的患难见真情。所以和朋友相交，贵在彼此相互帮忙。相互协助，你能付出多少，朋友必能回馈多少。

交友之道
　　

　　第一，志趣相近-孔子说“无有不如己者”。

　　第二，真诚相待，交朋友一定要真诚，所谓的“忠告而善导之”，---“不可则

　　止，毋自辱”。

　　第三，选择朋友要中行，中行代表言行都很恰当--“不得中行而与之，必也

　　狂、狷乎，狂者进取，狷者有所不为”。--有所不为才能有所为(选择)

　　孔夫子有言曰，古有朋友，三益三损。友直、友谅、友多闻，为

　　益；友便辟、友善柔、有便佞，为损。孔子告诉我们，交朋友要交正直的朋友（

　　友直），心胸开阔的朋友（友谅），博学多闻的朋友（友多闻）。不要去交那些

　　脾气暴躁（友便辟），优柔寡断（友善柔），心怀鬼胎有心计的朋友（友便佞）

　　在人生的旅途中当中每个人都会遇到不同的困境，在这个时候如果您交到好的朋友会给你带来很大帮助，有时朋友的一句话，或一个建议可以让你胜读十年书，和少走很多弯路，人生如同风云，变幻莫测，难以预料，所以人都有旦夕祸福的时候，在这个时候，在这个时候，如果有朋友给你指点或支援就会让你化祸为福，如果你有烦恼和忧愁找一个朋友诉说就会减轻这些苦恼，当然朋友有很多种，有狐朋狗友，酒肉朋友，萍水相逢一面之交彼此不了解的这算不上朋友，有句话叫做，患难见真情，在这个时候就能体现一个朋友的真伪，那些所谓的朋友就会露出原来丑恶自私的本性离你而去，而真正的朋友就会问你有什么需要帮助。

　　在现实生活中有很多人喜欢跟朋友玩心眼，喜欢利用朋友，他们认为朋友不是用来依靠的，而是用来利用的，他们这中心态导致他们，自私自利，唯利是图，在一些商场里面的图书，大多关于教你做一个有心计的人，教你如何玩脑袋，这一切导致这个社会人与人之间的尔欺我诈，勾心斗角，在这些人内心深处都有这种心理倾向，所以他们看到这中书籍之后便很容易吸收进去，他们不知道朋友是什么概念。更有甚者，他们认为只要心狠手辣，他们就会很成功，他们就会在社会上刀枪不入，他们把心狠手辣但做一件武器，可以保护自己，同时又可以伤害他人，他们认为这样才会立于不败之地，所以我发现我们身边很多人抱着一本厚黑学，和三十六计，他们都想如何学的厚颜无耻，一个厚颜无耻的人他就如同哦具行尸走肉没什么区别，他们看着历史上的人物个个都是从厚黑走上成功，所以他们想借签历史上的人物的智慧。

　　他的这些话让我陷入了沉思，我想即使你那些心狠手辣和厚黑性格特点全部具其，你也不能成功的，你也不可能刀枪不入的你得到的只是暂时的利益，得民心者，得天下，鲜花不管它有多美，但需绿叶来扶持，而生活中是不能没有朋友的，生活因为有了朋友而精彩，任何一个成功的人他都是少不了朋友的，在这信息的社会，每个人从出生他都要不段的学习至老，不管你文凭有多高，你是大学生也好，博士也罢，都要不断的学习，而这些信息都来源于朋友，而这些知识也源于朋友，所以朋友是可贵的，所以说生活因为有了朋友而精彩，不管黑道白道都有他们的朋友，有句话叫做得道多助。

　　朋友有很多种，但你懂得不同类型的朋友，你才会用不同方式去对待不同类型的朋友，而不是上面所说的那样，不分好坏的采用一套厚黑与心狠手辣，来对待你身边的每一个人。

　　但是，在这个社会的确万恶与虚伪，在这样一个社会里面要找到一个真正的朋友，是很难的，人与人之间对人性的不信任，即使有那么几个君子之人，也会在这个万恶的社会所熏陶下而腐蚀，所以现在的人，变的心胸狭溢，目光短浅，斤斤计较，见利就占，，占到一点利益而沾沾自喜。

　　如今网络已有各种各样的交友形式,在交友过程中,要慎重,交到好的朋友是你一生的幸福,但愿您能够在这虚拟的世界找到您一生中的知己.

　　一个好朋友，当看到对方的错误时，会真诚的指出，当朋友遇到好事时，会真心

　　地感到高兴，当朋友遭受痛苦的时候，会守在朋友的身边，鼓励他，支持他。

　　朋友是什么？是你经常惦记着的那个人；是痛苦时第一个想找的人；是打扰了不必说对不起的人；是帮助了不用说谢谢的人；是步步高升了不用改变称呼的人。

　　其一：很多象朋友的人其实不是朋友，而很多是朋友的倒并不显得象朋友。——这是德谟克利特说的。

　　其二：在幸运上不与人同享的，在灾难中不会是忠实的朋友。——这是伊索说的。

　　其三：真正的朋友不把友谊挂在嘴上，他们并不为了友谊而互相要求一点什么，而是彼此为对方做一切办得到的事。——这是别林斯基说的。

　　其四：朋友也是说好话的多，所以真肯提你缺点的人倒是难得的好友。——这是盖叫天说的。

　　^[1]其五：真正的朋友，在你获得成功的时候，为你高兴而不捧场；在你遇到不幸或悲伤的时候，会给你及时的支持和鼓励；在你有缺点可能犯错误的时候，会给你正确的批评和帮助。——这是高尔基说的。

好朋友就是一本书，他可以打开你的所有世界。

　　交友，有益者三友：友直，友谅，友多闻。损者三友：友便辟，友善柔，友便佞。

　　友直：直，指的是正直。这种朋友为人真诚，坦荡，刚正不阿，有一种朗朗人格，没有一丝谄媚之色。他的人格可以影响你的人格。他可以在你怯懦的时候给你勇气，也可以在你犹豫不前的时候给你果决。

　　友谅：友谅《说文解字》说：“谅，信也。”信，就是诚实。这种朋友为人诚恳，不作伪。与这样的朋友交往，我们内心是妥帖的，安稳的，我们的精神能得到一种净化和升华。

　　友多闻：这种朋友见闻广博，用今天的话说就是知识面宽。

　　在孔子生活的先秦时代，不像我们今天有电脑，有网络，有这么发达的资讯，有各种形式的媒体。那个时候的人要想广视听怎么办呢？最简单的一个办法就是结交一个广见博闻的好朋友，让他所读的书，让那些间接经验转化成你的直接经验。

　　当你在一些问题上感到犹豫彷徨，难以决断时，不妨到朋友那里，也许他广博的见闻可以帮助你作出选择。

　　结交一个多闻的朋友，就像拥有了一本厚厚的百科辞典，我们总能从他的经验里面，得到对自己有益的借鉴。

　　《论语》中的益者三友，就是正直的朋友，诚实的朋友，广见博识的朋友。

　　“损者三友”，那又是些什么样的人呢？

　　孔夫子说，还有三种坏朋友，叫做友便辟，友善柔，友便佞，这三者“损矣”千万不能交。

　　友便辟：这种朋友指的是专门喜欢谄媚逢迎，溜须拍马的人。

　　我们在生活中经常会碰到这样的人，你的什么话，他都会说“太精彩了”；你做的任何事情，他都会说“太棒了”。他从来不会对你说个“不”字，反而会顺着你的思路、接着你的话茬，称赞你，夸奖你。

　　这种人特别会察言观色，见风使舵，细心体会你的心情，以免违逆了你的心意。

　　“友便辟”和“友直”正好相反，这种人毫无正直诚实之心，没有是非原则。他们的原则就是让你高兴，以便从中得利。

　　大家还记得电视剧《铁齿铜牙纪晓岚》里面的大奸臣和珅吗？他对乾隆皇帝百般逢迎，孥颜谄媚，几乎无所不用其极。这就是一个典型的“便辟”之人。

　　孔夫子说，和这种人交朋友，太有害啦！

　　为什么？和这种人交朋友，你会感到特别舒服，愉快，就像电视剧里乾隆皇帝一样，明知道和珅贪赃枉法，却还是离不开他。

　　但是，好话听多了，马屁拍得舒心了，头脑就该发昏了，自我就会恶性膨胀，盲目自大，目中无人，失去了基本的自省能力，那离招致灾难也就不远了。

　　这种朋友，就是心灵的慢性毒药。

　　友善柔：这种人是典型的“两面派”。

　　他们当着你的面，永远是和颜悦色，满面春风，恭维你，奉承你，就是孔子说的“巧言令色”。但是，在背后呢，会传播谣言，恶意诽谤。

　　我们经常会听到这样的控诉：我的这个朋友长得那么和善，言语那么温和，行为那么体贴，我把他当作最亲密的朋友，真心地帮助他，还和他掏心窝子，诉说自己内心的秘密。可是，他却背着我，利用我对他的信任，谋取自己的私利；还散布我的谣言，传扬我的隐私，败坏我的人格。当我当面质问他的时候，他又会矢口否认，装出一副老好人受委屈的样子。

　　这种人虚假伪善，与“谅”所指的诚信坦荡正好相反。

　　他们是真正的小人，是那种心理阴暗的人。

　　但是，这种人往往会打扮出一副善良面孔。由于他内心有所企图，所以他对人的热情，比那些没有企图的人可能要高好几十倍。所以，你要是一不小心被这种人利用的话，你就给自己套上了枷锁。如果你不付出惨痛的代价，这个朋友是不会放过你的。这是在考验我们自己的眼光，考验我们知人论世的能力。

　　友便佞：便佞，指的就是言过其实、夸夸其谈的人，就是老百姓说的“光会耍嘴皮子”的人。

　　这种人生就一副伶牙俐齿，没有他不知道的事，没有他不懂得的道理，说起话来，滔滔不绝，气势逼人，不由得人不相信。可实际上呢，除了一张好嘴，别的什么也没有。

　　这种人又和上面讲的“多闻”有鲜明的区别，就是没有真才实学。便佞之人就是巧舌如簧却腹内空空的人。

　　孔夫子从来就非常反感花言巧语的人。君子应该少说话，多做事。他最看重的，不是一个人说了什么，而是一个人做了什么。

　　当然，在现代社会，人们的价值观有了一定的变化，有真才实学的人，如果口才太过于笨拙，不善于表达自己，也会给自己的职业和人生带来一些障碍。

　　但是，如果只会言语，没有真功夫，那种危害比前者要可怕得多。

　　《论语》中的损者三友，就是谄媚拍马的朋友，两面派的朋友，还有那些夸夸其谈的朋友。这样的朋友可千万不能交，否则我们将付出惨重的代价。

　　仁，爱人，真正爱他人。智慧，智，知人，了解他人。

　　真正交朋友，既要有能力又要有意愿，意愿是我们有仁，能力是我们有智。生活中真正快乐的力量来自心灵。

　　交友有三个原则：待于君子有三，言未及之而言谓之躁（不要抢说话），言及之而不言谓之隐（不要有话不说），未见颜色而言谓之瞽（没眼色，不要闭眼说话），过犹不及。

　　我们都希望人生过得更有效率，对朋友，更多的一份关怀。忠告而善道之，不可则止，勿自辱也。

　　好朋友从不做过份的事，用一种快乐的心让我们做坦荡快乐的人。

　　选择一个什么样的朋友，就是选择了一种什么样的生活方式。

爱在缘分