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In the years since hormone therapy was dethroned as the best way to adjust to menopause—the transition ranges from a few symptom-free months to six or more life-disrupting years—how have women adapted? While some are simply toughing it out, others are trying numerous approaches, many nonmedical, to manage their hot flashes, chills, vaginal dryness, breast tenderness, sleep disruptions, headaches, and mood swings. Here are 10 strategies that can help you make the transition smoothly:

1. Get moving.Many women find that working out for an hour three or more times a week provides relief from hot flashes, though researchers haven't been able to document this in studies. Aerobic exercises such as walking, swimming, dancing, and bicycling are good options. Staying active also reduces stress and staves off the blues, which can both result from hot flashes. What's more, it builds muscle and may reduce bone loss and fractures, which become more common as estrogen production falls.

2 . Keep a hot flash journal.This may help you pinpoint what's triggering those hot flashes. Is it an overheated bedroom? Spicy supper? Stressful day? Knowing the cause may help you ward off hot flashes or at least reduce their frequency by, say, sticking with blander foods or turning down the thermostat at night.

3. Watch what you eat.In addition to spicy foods, caffeine and alcohol can disrupt sleep and trigger a hot flash. Women who are affected can limit caffeine to mornings and avoid alcohol in the evening. Experts note that it also helps to stay hydrated by drinking plenty of water. Some women swear by certain dietary supplements: vitamin E (400 IU a day), soy, and black cohosh, but, again, research is lacking on these.

4. Stick to a regular schedule.Make it a priority to get seven to eight hours of shut-eye a night, and try to go to bed and wake up at roughly the same time each day. If possible, eat your meals and snacks on a regular schedule. All of these help keep your body's systems on an even keel, better able to withstand hormonal changes.

5. Breathe deeply.Practice slow breathing from the abdomen-taking six to eight deep breaths a minute. This technique can be particularly helpful at the onset of a flash. Carving out 15 minutes twice a day for this type of slowdown can work magic in busting stress, too. You may also benefit from adding yoga or meditation to your regimen. "While these practices have not been proven to be effective for treating menopausal symptoms in clinical trials, many women do find relief," says Ellen Freeman, a research professor in the department of obstetrics and gynecology at the University of Pennsylvania.

6. Consider unconventional treatments.Until now, no large study has shown that acupuncture helps relieve menopause symptoms. But a randomized controlled trial of 267 women, published in the May/June 2009 issue of the journal Menopause, shows an overall reduction in hot flash frequency in women who received 10 treatments over 12 weeks. Massage may also help in relieving anxiety, insomnia, and headaches.

7. Alleviate vaginal dryness.This is an uncomfortable, and sometimes painful, condition frequently due to a lack of estrogen. If estrogen-free vaginal lubricants such as K-Y Jelly, vitamin E, or Replens don't provide relief, your doctor might recommend a local vaginal hormone treatment via a ring, tablet, or cream. The estrogen is absorbed into your bloodstream without passing through your liver. (If you still have a uterus, your doctor may prescribe progesterone tablets to counteract an increased risk of endometrial cancer associated with taking estrogen pills alone and possibly with nonpill forms of estrogen.) Topical estrogen is usually effective at restoring vaginal lubrication and elasticity.

8. Ask your doctor about hormone therapy.If hot flashes, mood swings, and other symptoms continue to make your life miserable after you make lifestyle changes, consult your doctor about hormone treatment-estrogen with progesterone, or estrogen alone for women who no longer have a uterus. This is controversial, and the decision is an individual one that requires carefully weighing the risks and benefits. After the 2002 Women's Health Initiative findings suggested that women taking hormones were at a higher risk for breast cancer, blood clots, and heart disease, women and doctors turned away from the treatment. Today, the pendulum seems to be swinging back. Some experts now say the risks have been overblown, especially for younger women on low doses. The WHI findings were based on a study of women with an average age of 63, says Isaac Schiff, head of the obstetrics and gynecology service at Massachusetts General Hospital. "If you start relatively early with small doses, there are some real benefits to hormones, which can bring relief with diminished risks," Schiff says. Some women are opting for bioidentical hormones, which have the same chemical structure as natural estrogen and progesterone, in the belief that these products provide safer relief of menopausal symptoms than do synthetic hormones. But the jury is still out on that.

9. Put things in perspective.In the overall scheme of things, "the transition is a very short time in your life," Schiff says. "Look at this as an opportunity to do an inventory of your diet, nutrition, exercise, and overall health. There's no terrible danger about menopause. In fact, some women actually look forward to it—happy not to have a period or worry about pregnancy."

10. Prevent crippling bone loss.While technically this isn't a menopause symptom, menopausal women typically lose a significant amount of bone mass, setting the stage for osteoporosis later in life. Now is the time to start adding extra dollops of calcium and vitamin D to your daily diet. In general, before menopause, you need about 1,000 mg of calcium per day. After menopause, you need 1,500 mg per day. Good sources are fruit juices, green leafy vegetables—such as broccoli and spinach greens—almonds, and soy milk.

Vitamin D helps the body absorb calcium and stimulates bone formation. The government's recommended daily amount is 400 international units, though the National Osteoporosis Foundation (NOF) recommends 400 to 800 international units (IU) of vitamin D daily for adults under 50 and 800 to 1,000 IU of vitamin D daily for adults 50 and over. If you get 15 minutes of sunlight a day, that might be enough, at least in the summer months.

2003年一月初一个严寒的下午，我发现丈夫亨利躺在厨房地上。

在等救护车来的路上，我试着去救他。但是那个深爱着我、让我疯狂、跟我争吵、与我朝夕相处，给我满足，和我一起养育孩子16年的男人呼出了最后一口气--我吹进他肺里的那口气。

之后在医院，医生告诉我是肺梗塞。有一个血块，可能在腿部形成，顺血管向上流动，最后停留在肺部，造成了心脏停跳。他只有44岁。我从凳子上滑倒，忍不住大哭起来。

我在27岁时认识了亨利。他长相帅气，可爱而充满魅力，当他在聚会上走向我时，我感觉自己是世界上最幸运的女孩。

我对身边的男人通常很害羞，也缺乏安全感，但却被他的热情和炙热所吸引。当我们决定结婚时，我的朋友都对我说我有多幸运。

“我最爱的爱人，我爱你，就像爱我的生命，”他在1988年12月郑重地宣誓说。

这就是他的结婚誓言，就像那个隆重的婚礼，和他所作的别的事情一样—一切都那么美好。

几年之后，在外人眼里我们看起来还像是新婚的小夫妻。1998年我们的女儿丽莎出生后，我们决定搬出城，在一个小镇定居下来。

我是个自由美术设计员，专门为图书出版社设计封面，亨利是个作家，写书，烹饪，和朋友一起，他都充满激情。

但是我很快发现，我的婚姻只是个假象。在遗体告别的那天，我透过棺木看到了凯西，我们的一个邻居。

她歇斯底里地哭着，脸和胳膊紧紧地贴着亨利那已经没有生命的身体。凯西的女儿，艾米是我女儿最好的朋友，也因为这个，凯西和我也早已成为朋友。

当她抬起头，她满脸通红，挂满泪水。那时，我沉浸在自己的伤痛中，没有注意到除了我，亨利的遗孀，还有谁在众人面前如此表露自己的情绪。

接下来的几个月混混沌沌地过去。一些好友和家人一直在丽莎和我身边。当我不在时他们照顾我的女儿，给我带点吃的，让我哭出来好受些。

凯西让她的牧师来看我，让我平静一些，告诉我不要太伤心，对我说我是个坚强的人，能找回自己的生活。逐渐地，我恢复了过来。我又能送丽莎去学校，也能开始工作了。

我以为生活又归于平静，直到在亨利去世的七个月之后，七月中的一个晚上，一切都变了。

有个朋友叫托马斯，在他翻新房子时暂时住在我们这。那天我和他在一起，当我告诉他我很想念亨利时，他问我是不是包括亨利的一切。

我默然。这问题很直接。我想应该很坦诚地回答，就告诉他并不是所有的一切，这样的想法让我有种负罪感。

托马斯告诉我不必这样。当我追问他时，他告诉我亨利与一个加州的女人有外遇—过去几年为新书做调查旅行时他去过几次加州。

然后他说还有一个，并让我问问帮着一起操办亨利葬礼的朋友。他们在电脑里发现了亨利的秘密。

很奇怪，听到还有“别的女人”，我并没有变得像想象中那么震惊。亨利去世前的一些举动已经有了这样的迹象：总是躲着不见我，更多时候是把自己所在办公室里，我们也经常吵架。

第二天早餐，我打电话给艾米丽，一个朋友。她听到我的问题就哭了，“是凯西，”她说。

“凯西和亨利有外遇，至少2年了。亨利去世后第二天早上我们在她的电脑里发现了他们的邮件。”

我的脑子里一片空白。我以为凯西是我最好的朋友。我们几乎每天都串门。

我们每天一起接孩子放学。遇到急事时照看对方的孩子。让对方的孩子到自己家过夜。她和她的丈夫，史蒂夫和我们一起吃饭。我们几乎好到能换房子住。

想到这些就发生在我眼皮底下，我崩溃了。这让我愤怒，让我沮丧，挫败；感到羞愧，耻辱。我把丽莎带回了家，她本来应该睡在凯西家。

我坐上车直接开到她家，我看到他正舒服地躺在吊床里看书。

在那一刻，一阵恶心涌上心头，我发现，以前就在我照看艾米，史蒂夫还在上班的时候，凯西和亨利可能就在她的沙发上，或者卧室或别的什么地方做着让我发疯的事情。

我告诉她已经知道她和亨利的事了。我的手颤抖着，真想给她一巴掌。“你”对这个事情的不解让我愤怒，我浑身颤抖着，问她“知道你做了什么吗？”

她嘟囔着回应我。她已经无法辩驳，亨利的事情已经明摆着了。她非常非常抱歉。我告诉她如果一个星期之内她不把这个事情告诉史蒂夫，我就自己说。

我失落地带丽莎回家。直奔上楼，我取下戒指扔在我的珠宝盒。我的婚姻结束了。感觉就像离婚。

和艾米丽一样，亨利最好的朋友马修也看到了亨利不忠的证据。

我打电话给他，想知道亨利电脑硬盘里还剩下点什么没有。马修给了我亨利的日记，笔记和信件。

第一篇日记记于1999年8月。我看到里面清清楚楚地写了和凯西出轨的经过。

我合上日记。我张开嘴大口地吸气。我感到吸了一大口气，痛哭起来，直到头疼得难受。我的心就像被撕裂了，疼得受不了。

我打开他的邮件。通过邮件，亨利和凯西滔滔不绝地说他们是多么地享受彼此，相反的，各自的婚姻又是多么平淡。

每看一个字，我就受到一次难以想象的打击，每一个字都扎进了我的心里。但我还是一直看，我停不下来。我感到极度反感，出离了愤怒，但我还是疯狂地想知道更多。

我不得不去理解，去想象这几年他的生活。我想知道，对于这个伤害我如此深的男人，我的魅力哪去了。

我想到，如果他没有死，也许我永远都不会知道。尽管想得越多，我越能想起很所明显的迹象，而我却选择忽视他们。

尽管听起来很疯狂，我觉得这些其实在婚姻中非常普遍。对于我们不想看到的一些事情，我们不自觉地就忽视了。

看了亨利和凯西之间的邮件，我又看了一些亨利死前几个月的信件。

在一封长信中，亨利和一个叫克莉丝汀的女人大倒苦水，就是那个加州的女人。

他告诉她他在过去3年中有过5次艳遇，还和另外一些女人的调情经历。

关于凯西，他写道：“我们认识快3年了。感觉就像是第二次婚姻。我们的孩子是最好的朋友。我能这么说，在某些方面，我们看对方胜过自己的另一半。”

盛怒之下，我把信搧到地上，痛哭不止，因为自己的疏忽又羞又恨。

我拼命地想要找到答案，但是能回答我的人已经不在人世。

“你认为自己都做了什么？搅入一个男人的婚姻，他甚至已经有了一个孩子？”我问克莉丝汀。

他告诉我最初亨利说他没有结婚。最终，他才说自己结过婚，但是已经离婚。

我又打给艾伦。“我是朱丽叶，亨利的妻子。”她哭了起来。

一边哭，艾伦一边告诉我，在健身房认识之后，亨利就和她调情，开始追求她。

名单上最后一个女人叫艾丽亚娜。和克莉丝汀一样，她也悄声地向我道歉。然后告诉我他们在镇上的聚会上认识，接着开始幽会。

也许有点让人惊讶，我发现在和她们交谈过之后，我先前强烈的反感减弱了。他们认识亨利的时间都很短。他们没有伪装成我的朋友。

之后的几个月，我和艾丽亚娜一直通信，我们的友谊也保持到现在。

我意识到，尽管我一直以为我了解我的丈夫，其实一点也不了解。我开始去更多地理解他，和我自己。

我和一个表面上看起来自信，充满魅力的男人相爱，但实际上，他孤独，缺乏安全感，最终在自己的家庭中没有找到这些。

他想要冒险，一直都想要。就像他需要觉得自己是个英雄。我想知道这是否只属于男性—明显讽刺了中年危机。

现在，快7年了，我还在努力原谅他。这个过程很漫长，但是我不再一觉醒来心中满是愤怒和苦涩。

我希望我的经历能帮助我做出更好的选择，对以后的事情看得更清楚更透彻，无论是对于我自己，还是我认识的人。

在我们的文化中，总是对类似亨利这样的行为给予奖赏，这让我很不解，--电影明星式的的魔力，有能力去吸引，还能“掌管全局。”但实际上呢，有很多麻烦，毁了别人，也毁了自己。

有一天，天气很好，我告诉自己，凯西只是另一个不完美的人，我也很同情她。就像亨利，她也有难处。

尽管有人很难相信，但是我不恨亨利。他做了一些很糟糕的选择。但是他去世的太早，还没来得及补救，重新开始。

生活地太自我，亨利忘记了生活中还有别人。除了难过，你还能说什么呢？

On a bitterly cold afternoon in early January 2003, I found my husband Henry on his back, spreadeagled on the kitchen floor.

I tried to revive him while waiting for the ambulance to arrive. But the man who for 16 years had loved me, driven me crazy, fought with me, fed me, made love with me, made a baby with me, exhaled one last breath - the air I had blown into his lungs.

Later, at the hospital, the doctor told us it was a pulmonary embolism. A blood clot, possibly formed in the leg, had moved upward and lodged in the lung, causing cardiac arrest. He was only 44. I slid off my chair to the floor and screamed.
Julie Metz

Home sweet home: Julie Metz (pictured relaxing at home) says she does not hate her husband Henry for having an affair and has slowly learned to forgive him

I was 27 years old when I met Henry. He was good-looking, charming and charismatic, and when he strolled towards me at a party, I felt like the luckiest girl in the world.

Often shy and insecure around men, I was drawn to his exuberance and his forceful love. As our relationship progressed, my friends repeatedly told me how lucky I was.

'My supreme loveliness, I love you as I love life,' he pronounced dramatically in December 1988.

This was his marriage proposal, and - like his elaborate dinner parties and everything else he did - it was a grand gesture.

Over the next few years, from the outside, we'd have looked like any other young married couple. After the birth of our daughter Liza in 1998, we decided to leave the city and we bought a nice house in a small town.

I was working as a freelance graphic designer, specialising in cover designs for book publishers, and Henry, a writer, was either working on his book or cooking and entertaining friends - his great passions.

But as I was soon to discover, my marriage had been an illusion. On the day of the viewing of Henry's body, I glanced over to the coffin and saw Cathy, one of our neighbours.

Double life: Julie Metz with her late husband Henry whom she discovered had been having an affair with a neighbour

She was weeping hysterically, her head and arms draped over Henry's lifeless torso. Cathy's daughter, Amy, was my daughter Liza's best friend and because of our daughters' friendship, Cathy and I had also become friends.

When she lifted her head from Henry's coffin, her face was red and wet with tears. At the time, I was too deep in my own grief to think much about this other than that I, his widow, hadn't allowed myself such a public display of emotion.

The next few months passed in a blur. A small group of friends and family surrounded Liza and me. They tended to Liza when I could not. They brought food into my house. They let me cry.

Cathy arranged for her minister to visit and offered her own comfort, telling me not to despair, that I was a strong person capable of remaking my life. And gradually, things did get easier. I felt able to take Liza to school again and to return to work.

I thought I was coping quite well until one evening in mid-July, seven months after Henry's death.

I was with Tomas, a friend who'd lived with us for a while when he had been renovating his own house. When I told Tomas how much I still missed Henry, he asked whether I missed everything about him.

I paused. It was an honest question. I decided it deserved an honest answer and told him I didn't miss everything, but that I felt very guilty for having such thoughts.

Tomas said I shouldn't feel guilty. When I pressed him further, he told me Henry had been involved with a woman in California - where he'd travelled several times in the past year on research trips for his latest book.

Then he said there was more, and advised me to speak to the other friends who had helped arrange the memorial service for Henry. They had found evidence of Henry's infidelity on his computer

Bizarrely, I didn't feel as shocked as I thought I would upon hearing about this 'other woman'. Some things about Henry's behaviour shortly before he died began to make sense: long absences, more time in his office with the door closed, lots of fighting between us.

The next morning I called my friend Emily. She started crying. 'It's Cathy,' she said.

'Cathy and Henry were having an affair, for two years at least. We found all their emails on his computer the morning after he died.'

'Til Death us do part: Julie Metz pictured on her wedding day with husband Henry

I flew into a blind rage. I thought Cathy was my friend. We'd been inside each other's houses almost every day.

We'd picked up each other's children from school. We provided each other with emergency childcare. We took each other's children for sleepovers. She and her husband, Steve, ate meals with us. Our houses were almost interchangeable.

The thought of this happening right under my nose was too devastating. I felt fury, anger, frustration. I was ashamed and humiliated. Then it dawned on me that I had to collect Liza, who'd been at a sleepover - at Cathy's.

I got into the car and drove over to her house where I saw her, relaxed, reading in a hammock.

In that instant, with dumbfounded disgust, I realised I must have provided childcare for Amy after school while Steve was at work and Cathy and Henry would have been at it on her sofa, or in her spare bedroom, or wherever else they did it.

I told her that I knew about her affair with Henry. My hand twitched, it wanted to smack her face. 'What,' I asked, tensed with bewildered anger, 'did you think you were doing?'

She murmured her response. She had been weak, Henry had been so persuasive, she was so sorry, so sorry. I told her she had a week to tell her husband, or I'd do it.

I drove home with Liza in a state of shock. I ran upstairs, took off my wedding ring and dropped it into my jewellery box. My marriage was over. It felt like a divorce.

Like Emily, Henry's best friend Matthew had seen evidence of Henry's infidelities.

I called him to see what had survived from Henry's computer hard drive. Matthew gave me Henry's personal journal, book notes, and correspondence.

The first journal entry I read was from early August 1999. It went into explicit detail about having sex with Cathy.

I closed the book. My mouth was open, sucking in air. Once I had some oxygen inside me, I cried till my head ached. My chest hurt like it had been cleaved in two.

I moved on to his emails. In messages, Henry and Cathy gushed about how great sex had been the day before. And how mediocre married sex was by comparison.

Reading that hurt me in ways I could never have imagined, every word a spike in my chest. But I kept reading. I couldn't stop. I was disgusted, outraged, but also ravenous for more information.

I had to understand, to have some idea of what his life had been like during those last years. I wanted to understand my own attraction to a man who had done such great damage.

It crossed my mind that if he hadn't died, I might never have known. Though the more I thought about it, the more I saw that the clues had been everywhere and I had chosen to ignore them.

Although this may sound crazy, I think it is actually surprisingly common in a marriage. We seem to have automatic blind-spots to what we do not want to see.

After reading Cathy and Henry's emails, I turned to other correspondence written during the months before his death.

In one long letter, Henry unburdened himself to Christine, the woman in California.

He told her he'd had five sexual affairs in the past three years as well as a few romantic dalliances.

Of Cathy, he wrote: 'We saw each other for nearly three years. It was like a second marriage. Our kids were best friends. I would say that in some ways we saw more of each other than our own spouses.'

In a fury, I slammed the letter down on my desk, crying as much in rage as from my own shame that I had been so blind.

I desperately needed some answers, but the man who could answer my questions wasn't here any more.

So on the spur of the moment and in a fit of rage, I went through Henry's address book and started calling the women.

'What did you think you were doing, getting involved with a married man with a kid?' I asked Christine.

She told me that at first, Henry didn't tell her he was married. Eventually, he said he was married but had 'an arrangement'.

Next I called Ellen. 'This is Julie. Henry's wife.' She started crying.

Weeping continuously, Ellen told me that after they met at the gym, Henry had flirted with and pursued her.

The last woman on the list was Eliana. Like Christine, she apologised quietly. She described meeting Henry at a party in our town and how their sexual relationship began.

Perhaps surprisingly, I found that after speaking to these women, my initial revulsion towards them softened. They hadn't known Henry long. They hadn't pretended to be my friend.

Over the next few months, Eliana and I corresponded at length and a friendship began that continues to this day.

I realised that though I thought I knew my husband, I didn't. I began to understand a lot more about him and about myself.

I had fallen in love with a man who had appeared to be confident and charming, but who was - underneath - lonely, insecure, and ultimately incapable of putting the needs of his family ahead of his own.

He had wanted adventure, all the time. It was as if he needed to feel like a hero. I wondered if this was a guy thing - the famously satirised midlife crisis.

Now, nearly seven years later, I continue to work on forgiveness. It was a long journey but I no longer wake up every morning feeling angry and bitter.

I hope my experiences have helped me to make better choices and to look more closely, beneath the surface, at myself and the people I meet.

It does bother me that our culture frequently rewards the kind of behaviour Henry exhibited - the movie-star charisma, the ability to charm and 'work a room'. Yet underneath, he was so troubled, so destructive and selfdestructive.

On a good day, I tell myself that Cathy is another imperfect human and feel compassion for her. Like Henry, she was very troubled.

Although some people find this difficult to believe, I don't hate Henry. He made some truly terrible choices. But he died so young, before he had the chance to make amends and start over.

In living too much for himself, Henry missed the point of living for others. How can you feel anything other than sorrow for that?

Q. The majority of my ex-girlfriends have had “fallback men” lined up in the latter stages of our failed relationships. I have never had a fallback woman lined up. I am currently in a timeout phase with my girlfriend. Should I start lining up women up now, because I am sure my current girlfriend has men lined up behind me?

A. No, I don’t suggest you keep fallback women lined up. Instead, you should resolve the situation with your girlfriend.

There are many reasons why people line up others as fallback partners. Often they fear being alone or fear what it means to be alone, especially if they derive their personal worth from being partnered up or buy into the erroneous view that couplehood enhances their value.

Sometimes, people hate not having someone to care for or to take care of them. If such people see singlehood on the horizon, they make doubly sure there is somebody else on deck.

Breakups are difficult even if you are the one initiating the split. In many ways, a breakup is a loss or a failure. You might feel guilty. Sometimes you like the person even if you don’t wish to remain romantically together permanently.

So, when suspecting there might be a breakup soon, it feels much better to be swept up in the excitement of a new person rather than tolerating feelings of sadness, loneliness or guilt.

But it is healthier to spend time figuring out why the relationship didn’t work, what you might do differently next time, whether the relationship was worth saving or how you might choose a more suitable partner.

The key is the quality of the relationship. Maybe it is worth saving and maybe it isn’t.

All relationships go through bleak periods and rough patches. That doesn’t mean it is a bad relationship. But it’s hard to evaluate that if there is always a fallback person who, by definition, presents a rosier picture. With a new person, the negatives have not yet presented themselves.

It’s a shame you have encountered so many past girlfriends who had fallback guys. If someone has a constant rotation of brief, unsatisfactory relationships, they might unknowingly be the problem.

Your perception that all women have fallback guys isn’t true. But it seems to have been your experience, which understandably makes you feel lousy. If you know your partner has someone waiting in the wings, it’s hard to be motivated to work on your relationship, or to be enthusiastic about it.

Basically, two wrongs don’t make a right. If both of you want the relationship to continue, then neither of you should have a fallback. If one of you doesn’t care whether the relationship works, then get out now, so both of you can find somebody more suitable.

In general, having a fallback person does not portend good things for the current relationship.

Dr. Gail’s Bottom Line: It is better to resolve a relationship than to have someone lined up waiting in the wings in case the relationship doesn’t work out.

Women do a lot of silly things to try to impress men; I know this, because men do a lot of ridiculous things to impress women, too. It’s like the circle of life, only it ends with quiet sobbing into a pillow.

The elements of sexual attraction aren’t too complex. Though, even accepted societal norms for picking up a guy often miss the mark because women overthink things. Here’s a look at some of the most surefire ways that women think that they can impress a guy—and why they’ll fail miserably every time.

1. Perfume.

No man I know minds when a woman smells like nothing—a simple stick of deodorant accomplishes this. Women who slather on the perfume end up smelling like the front counter of Macy’s, and it’s a bit of a turn-off. A spray or two there might be nice for a special occasion, but I can’t think of a situation where I’d ever think, Man, she’s nice, but I’d like her better if she smelled like someone was pouring a stream of animal urine that vaguely smelled like flowers onto her head.

2. Tanning.

Tanned skin wasn’t seen as a necessary beauty treatment in American society until the last 20 years or so, with the exception of the taxidermy community. Now, it’s reached a fairly feverish pitch. Tanning salons are all over the place, waiting to help you turn your skin into a sort of orange, glowing monstrosity that looks like it was sprayed out of a can (and in some cases, it actually is). There are men out there who are impressed by a good tan, but they’re what the scientific community calls “pig-ignorant slimeballs.”

3. Name Brands.

You shouldn’t wear name brand clothes that cost more than they need to just because you want to impress men. If you’re trying to impress women, this sometimes works, but name brand items don’t do much for any man other than Ralph Lauren. And just to prove that men don’t know anything about brands, I just referenced Ralph Lauren. I have no idea if he makes good clothes. Probably not. But he’s the only designer I could name.

4. Makeup.

Makeup doesn’t do a lot for guys. In small doses it’s alright, but if I want to get eyeshadow all over my clothes, I’ll go see the Cure in concert.

5. Cosmetic Surgery.

It almost sounds trite to say that cosmetic surgery is ugly and disgusting. Everyone claims to hate it; yet, it’s still a thriving industry. The thing is, though, the cosmetic surgery industry caters to a specific kind of person—the type of person who wants to look fantastic at all costs. The industry isn’t set up for making people beautiful. It’s set up to make people think they look beautiful. And if the results were fantastic, well, then all’s fair in love and war. Ultimately, breast augmentation, fat reduction, Botox treatments ... all of this looks terrible to men, women, small children and animals. Plastic surgery may eventually provide a way for people to cheat themselves into looking younger, but right now it’s more lip service than anything else, pardon the pun.

What futile attempts to impress men do women make? Post in the comments section below.